household pragmatism

*I'm just complaining--I've got nothing worth reading today.*

I have two new housemates. They are the collegiate equivalent of toddlers due to what i can only attribute to a clerical error (my house is classified as "upperclassman only", freshmen and sophomores need not apply) but they're here, so my roommate and i are doing our best to allow this brace of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed teenagers to feel welcome in the company of a couple of jaded and exhausted second semester seniors who's only objective at present is to graduate and have done with this.

My capacity to offer welcome, however, becomes severely strained when certain expectations are not met. I recognize fully that this--living away from mommy and daddy, having to handle your own finances and work through your own challenges and feuds, managing work versus play, managing boyfriends and doing your best not to starve or become an alcoholic--is a pretty scary and daunting task, especially when you're suddenly no longer in a housing situation that is prepared to accommodate for the new college student's issues. I appreciate the years of fast growth and maturing that correspond with the challenges that independent living presents, and can acknowledge, without condescension, that my new housemates have not yet learned how to comfortably live without assistance or moral support, but that they have the capacity to learn over time. With this in mind, the expectations i have for them are low and easily attainable.

I ask that they lock the door to the house whenever they come in or go out. At least one of them does not. I carefully explained that the door must be locked when they're not home so that their (and our) personal items are not stolen, and that the door ought to be locked when they are home so that they're not raped or murdered in their sleep or otherwise vulnerable. This is a...no brainer. This is a house full of young, healthy, attractive women--a real gold mine for a creep if left unprotected. To leave our door unlocked is begging for tragedy. The obstinate refusal to lock the main door to the house must be punishable with a swift kicking. I'll be sure to bring this up at a household meeting.

I ask that they wash their dishes. By "their" i actually mean "my" because almost all of the dishes in the house belong to me, with the exception of four glasses and a couple of mugs. The plates, bowls, silverware, cooking utensils, pots and pans, and a couple of the appliances are mine. We didn't plan it like this--it just turned out i was the only one who brought them. Not out of moral or social obligation, but out of charity I let the children know they could use my dishes on the sole condition that they are washed and put away in a timely fashion. Any reader (or anyone who knows me) knows well that I am anal-retentively clean and fastidiously organized and i happen to like things that way. I included in my rules that by agreeing "i will wash my dishes" they would also include "i will throw away garbage and i will not leave food sitting out." But as it stands, my dishes are filthy and there are open cans of food and empty cereal boxes lying around helter-skelter. My house is dirty. This makes me angry. Rotting food attracts insects, and leaving my dishes dirty is offensive. They know the agreement--i do not clean messes that I have not made, and the house will be clean.

If you take out a dish, pragmatically speaking, and put food in it, you have fully occupied the function of that dish. The dish's function is occupied until it is cleaned, when its usefulness returns to the "potential" state. Now, if you use a dish but fail to clean it, the dish is still technically in its "in use" state, though no one is actually using it. A bowl that is not being used but cannot be used is defined as "useless" until made useful by cleaning. A useless bowl has no value. If i have four bowls but one of them is left dirty, according to this philosophy, i actually only have three. If you take away the functionality of my bowl and leave it defunct, you have taken away my bowl without asking, which means you've stolen it. Added to the other messes left around, the only fair punishment I can come up with is I should steal their stuff and leave olive pits in their beds.

As a personal favor, I ask that they not use room fresheners, scented candles, or stinky incense in the common areas of the house. Powerful odors are one of my triggers for migraines which generally leave me blind and in overwhelming pain for several hours. I also become hypersensitive to light and sound and am incapable of work or play during this time. Even if they didn't give me migraines, these smelly things also turn my eyes red and make me congested and sneezy. I believe what i have is known as an "allergy" to stinky melting plastic. I politely requested that this stuff not be used, and the new housemates smilingly agreed...and then went ahead and sprayed even more of this horrible garbage into the air. If i'd requested they refrain simply because i didn't like the smell, it would be merely inconsiderate and rude. As it is, I requested they refrain for my health, so their insistence upon continuing to use this shit is considered Cruelty. In full knowledge of the pain these odors put me through at least one of these kids has deliberately and repeatedly stunk up the common room. Fucking sadistic bitch. If this occurs one time further i will request punitive action against them by university authority figures. If they do nothing (which is often the case) i will have no choice but to punish them myself by spraying their air-odorizer directly into their eyes, then putting a match to it. (who here's ever thrown an aerosol can into a bonfire?) I'm not psychotic, but it is unwise to cross me.

So there you have it. I made three simple, easy requests of my new roommates. Only three. They agreed to them fully. And they have failed to uphold any of them. This outright refusal to do what one says they will is typical of the rebellious teenage stage of life, in which one proves she is not yet ready for the responsibilities of adulthood through ostensible egocentrism, deliberate incitement of conflicts, and a marked refusal to acknowledge the potential consequences of your actions and choices.

If these kids are smart enough to have gotten into college, they're smart enough to remember to lock the fucking door. I even made a sign to remind them. I can't figure out why the hell they fail to. And am i really going to have to stoop so low as to put all of my dishes in my bedroom so they can't leave them dirty? Should I really have to beg and plead that they not fumigate the house with foeces-scented airborne plastic so my head will stop hurting?

USC HOUSING--either start paying me to babysit your freshmen or get them out of my house. This is unacceptable.