Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Today i was nuking some couscous and wandering aimlessly around my kitchen when i stopped to wonder--why does every appliance these days beep so damn much? In my kitchen alone there are at least 6 things that beep and holler at you--the phone, the answering machine, the oven, the microwave, the toaster, and even the damn refrigerator if you leave the door open too long. The microwave in particular is an offender--it beeps when you turn it on, input each number, start it, and then it beeps no fewer than 4 loud obnoxious times when it finishes. That's unacceptable. And the refrigerator needs a "i'm putting in groceries, asshole" function so it doesn't holler at me every time i leave the door open longer than 8 seconds. (my fridge at the Regent Hizzle in Berkeley used to slam the door on you unless you propped it open with a chair. One time it got a particularly good swing and caused me to hit my head on the frame.) The answering machine and phone beep loudly too, especially after the little arrogant computer voice tells you "end of messages"--you could have said that OR beeped, but oh-ho, how fun, you do both.

What's really irksome is that these bastards can't be reprogrammed not to. there's no "shut the hell up" user function. You can't even make the beep quieter--which seems ridiculous with the answering machine, as you Can set the playback volume. You can make it play as quiet as you want, but when its done it still screams like a dern banshee. Which sucks in my house, as someone is always sleeping on account of our diverse work schedules.

Maybe there's better answering machines out there, but mine is a bastard. When it picks up it plays the greeting aloud--like that's something you need to hear. And of course it beeps loud enough to rouse the dead to prompt the caller to speak, and repeats the din when they're done. It also doesn't help that we get called every morning by the National Pro-Life Alliance, who play a recorded message if you answer, dont' answer if you call them back, and their website is less than useless, so you can't even tell these anti-choice assholes to get off their collective high horse and leave you the fuck alone.

I guess my point is i'm tired of beeping. Come up with a new noise or shut up. Being beeped at all the time makes me wonder if i'm using the appliances or if they're using me.

On that note, thank you, Macintosh, for making your OS so readily adaptable. It was very easy to reset my computer to not make any unsolicited noise, show me any unsolicited notifications, or warn me not to touch things. unlike the copy of NannyState XP i use in class.

Monday, October 22, 2007

sheez dummy!

I know a deer in headlights can be paralyzed with fear, but what about when a deer decides he's seen headlights one too many times tonight and runs at them? A few minutes ago i was driving the speed limit, minding my own business, when this cloven-hoofed ruminant proffered me its ample backside as a live road-target. I slammed on the brakes and sounded the horn, but what did this walking barricade do but give me an innocent, confused look, shift to the driver's side and start running along next to the car, trying to get back in front of it. Apparently if a moving object occupies the space between you and the area you were once in, to a deer, it'll disappear unless you cross in front of it instead of behind. I screeched to a halt and my respected also-ran scampered off, followed by a friend from the other side of the street.

I can't help but wonder what effect the automotive industry will have on the evolution of these moronic animals--if somehow, by killing or incapacitating enough pre-reproductive deer, we'll eventually weed out whatever gene it is that makes them so vulnerable to traffic fatalities. This one got lucky and may live to pass on the Stupid Gene to its young, but someday the term "deer in headlights" may only remain in use as a reference to an obsolete situation, like Ring Around the Rosie or "one horse town." I say, what would the world be like if a generation of wildlife emerged with an innate wariness of long black tracks and yellow lines?

I suppose the Bayou Buffet would go out of business, but the rest of us might enjoy lower insurance rates.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


In honor of my birthday today i offer you, the reader, a celebration of sorts. Presenting: Rats!

R. norvegicus

poofy rat


feathered rat

flying rat

dumb rat
big-eared rat
seriously annoying rats

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

food mumblings

I think the only way you could truly be a chocoholic is if you were addicted to creme de cacao.


The difference between "made of" and "made with" is very subtle, and marketers use that to their advantage.


I stopped consuming corn syrup a long time ago. At first i thought it was for my health. After a while, though, i realized it was because i'm a food snob.


I like going to Starbucks and ordering a small black coffee. On some level I think this is an act of quiet rebellion.


There are many plants that, if i didn't see them in the grocery store, i would never imagine they were edible. Like bell peppers. I can only assume ancient man chomped into one of those on a dare. Why he kept eating after the first bite is anyone's guess. Honestly I think i'm wired to be more inclined to eat flowers than most vegetables. Like potatoes. When has the phrase "hey look at this brown lumpy thing I just dug up!" ever made you salivate?

confuse yourself!

Right Brain vs. Left Brain

After a while i could switch her direction on command by simply looking at opposite sides of the page, but this doesn't work for everyone. Don't try too hard though--at present i can't spell or type 'cos my brain is dizzy.

I think this explains why i get lost so easily.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

on blogging

The tone a blogger adopts for writing often is interpreted by readers as an indication of how the blogger is doing. Interestingly, though, i don't think i'm alone in that I'm generally only inclined to write when i've been feeling negative and screwed over by the Man, man. Blogging is a means of letting off steam in a less harmful way than throwing a fit or breaking things. So based on tone and subject matter, this may appear to the casual observer to be the blog of a fairly grumpy, put-upon, and socially intolerant atheistic liberal.

Ben, before you comment--it so happens that for a good chunk of the day I am not grumpy, nor do i feel put upon. a lot of the time i'm quite complacent. Indeed, i'm the kind of person that could screw up a sociopath's road to sanity as i, when nobody else is around, might as well not exist. I read, do some cleaning, work out a bit, occupy my mind with crossword puzzles, and for the most part ride around in autopilot until someone shows up to engage my attention. Only then do i become the opinionated, anti-religious, slightly sadistic tirade generator you've all come to know and be slightly annoyed by. When nobody else is around, i'm as happy as a clam.

Then again, i'm not alone all that much, and when I am i often seek out company.
Okay fine, this blog is a pretty accurate representation of exactly who i am most of the time. Happy?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


All Right USC, knock it off. You can't seriously believe that after costing me $30,000 that i don't have I'm gonna be willing or able to turn around and immediately start donating to your alumni association. I don't even make enough money to bother to file my tax return, let alone seek out deductions. No, USC, you did not get me the career of my dreams--in all honesty you didn't get me anything. I owe you nothing, I don't want to get hot tickets to home games, and i Certainly don't want to give you any reason to harass me even more. You must be incredibly arrogant or incredibly stupid to think that your students--the majority of whom attended because it was in-state, not because its where we wanted to go--would feel the urge to give you even More money, especially now that we've been out a while and seen exactly how useless that piece of paper we earned is. I could be here, now, doing exactly what i'm doing, with a GED. Instead i've got a BA followed by some latin gibberish and a debt that'll see me through the next decade. I know I should have taken it as granted that my school would start bugging me from the moment i walked off campus, but i had no idea you'd do it with such vehemence. The calls, the postcards, the fat envelopes full of worthless incentives and photos of smiling happy paid models...soon you'll start ringing the doorbell wearing skinny black ties and carrying a battered copy of the Carolinean Creed to ask me if i've embraced the joy of school Spirit...and just like all good proselytizers you'll never take "no, and please leave me alone." for an answer.

In other news, my cat has been gradually scooting closer and closer to me, so that a moment ago I went searching for my mouse and found it--not surprisingly--between her furry paws. She seems intent on getting as close as possible to me before passing gas, which is distinct in that it smells slightly worse than her food. Thanks, Boots.

In other other news, i went this morning to the clinic to start the HPV vaccine series and found, much to my chagrin, that i went to the wrong office and missed my appointment. I tried to reschedule and found that I must wait yet another month to get that ball rolling. As the two private doctors' appointments i've tried to have since arriving here the first of September will have taken 3 months to materialize and cost well over $300, I must pause to wonder what the same would have taken in a country with socialized healthcare.