Viruses must be alive

Scientists, philosophers, and theologists can all bicker and argue over whether or not a virus is a living being--as it fails to carry DNA and does not seem to have much of an identifiable cell-type structure that is indicative of life in unicellular beings--but I will vouch that not only are they alive, they're smart little buggers.
Consider: Viruses attack bacteria that normally live happy, subdued little lives in your lymphatic (sinus) system. The virus pumps its RNA into an individual bacterium, which gets eaten up by baby viruses, who in turn go ahead and infect other bacteria. Basic 10th grade biology. Now here's the part that may be a conspiracy theory, but it makes sense. When viruses kill bacteria and cells from your lymphatic system, it causes your sinuses to screw up. Namely, with the common cold, it causes the sinuses to produce excessive quantities of phlegm and icky green, infected mucous. It generally does its best to exit the sinuses, by entering the nasal cavities and filling up whatever space it can there before leaking out, either exiting the body through the nose or attempting to continue through the body down the throat. Biology teachers once told me that this was a protective measure--that the phlegm was relocated to the throat and nasal passages to protect the thin and delicate skin there. BULL SHIT. When phlegm enters the nose, it causes you to sniffle, sneeze, and have a nasty runny nose that won't quit. When it enters the throat it causes you to choke, cough, splutter, and eventually spit phlegm everywhere. Noticing a trend? This infected green goo is doing its very best to not just exit the body but dissipate. spread. become a fine, airborne haze. we do our best to cover our mouths, wash our hands, keep away from food and use hankies, but the bottom line is--a good deal of that infected krud gets out of the body and into the air, water, and stuff we touch every day. Your mother always tells you to avoid touching doorknobs and toilet seats, wash your hands, and for heaven's sake keep your fingernails out of your mouth. There's Germs on those surfaces! But did she ever think of why? Not why did someone sneeze here, why did someone not wash their hands after using the toilet and wipe whatever in the world on this door handle, but why are the germs there? Because Viruses made a Conscious Effort to enter a body, make it sick, and exit the body in the quickest, most propelled manner possible. You call it a sneeze. The inbred army of virii living in your snot call it a missile.