dear valued customer

Thanks to your history of loyalty to Monopoly Local Connections, we believe you would enjoy being burdened with more crap! See, Value is all in what you make of it. We value your custom because so far you've been made to buy the whole bundle--everything we've come up with, up to the extent that we have utter control over what you see, who you talk to, and what you download. We hide the surreptitious face of Big Brother under pictures of happy models talking on phones and using their computers, but every keystroke you make is recorded and sent to the appropriate government bureau or marketing agency, every number you dial is entered into a vast database of numbers--and their affiliates--who can now bypass the Do Not Call List, and every word you say may be monitored for customer satisfaction purposes. Yes, valued customer, your local cable, internet, phone, and mobile service has been selling you out since the day you signed on, and you've put up with it, because without us you'd be even more cut off from the real world.

So now, loyal customer, we're excited to offer you a new method of surveillance, intrusion, and annoyance--the Single Ring function! With this fun option, every time a telemarketer calls the landline you've grown to ignore, your cell phones--yes, every cell phone on your plan--will ring too! Now your kids, spouse, and even out-of-town relatives can be bothered by obnoxious charities like the Anti-Choice Alliance, harassed by auto-dialed campaign messages, and repeatedly badgered by call centers in India who don't give a flying fuck what telecom laws are in the US. And Best of All, we'll pass our savings on to you!* Have your children's cell phones confiscated by their schools weekly! Be annoyed at work! On the road! On the Roof! And remember, if you smash your phone with a hammer before the end of your 2-year contract, you'll owe Us money!

Yes, we continue to value you because you've been duped so far, and you're paying us to sell your personal information--double the revenue! And don't worry--even if you don't select this fabulous new option, it will be tacked on to your bill--and your lifestyle!--next month.

Thanks!
Comporium Communications
Your ONLY way to stay Connected!


*The customer pays for all incoming and outgoing calls, text messages, and internet options at the rate of 10¢/minute or each partial minute, and 15¢ per voice message played (messages cannot be deleted without play). See? We're saving!