Progress, or "My Bank Thinks Deportation is Funny"

Dateline: 16 February, 2011. 10:30 AM. Lewisham.

My cell phone rings. It's a blocked number. I answer to hear the crisp, professional voice of a real live UKBA case worker. So excited and nervous I'm ready to pee myself, I convince myself to stay cool long enough to find out what the fellow needs.

It's about my bank statements. I had to supply documentation proving that for at least the 90 days prior to my application, I had at least £800 to my name. I had asked NatWest for this information back in November. November 19th, to be exact.

I'm normally happy to have my bank statements available online, and had opted out of having paper statements mailed to me because I'd just have to file them. So I walked down to my local branch and requested copies of my 3 most recent statements so I could include them.

I was told, after waiting in line for over two hours to speak to a poorly-trained receptionist, that they'd have to request them from on high and they would be mailed to me in 10 business days. I asked if they would include statements from up to the day I requested them and was told of course, I would have my most up-to-date information.

So when I received my statements on November 29th, I checked that they were all mine (they accidentally also sent me someone else's, with my name and address hand-written on the envelope) and dumped the whole pile of application materials into the post. Same day.

I then waited for three months.

Today my case worker informed me that the most recent statement was from 21 October, A month and 8 days away from my 29 November application date. I needed 8 days worth of statements to be within the acceptable timeframe to evidence my continued financial stability. Because some asshat at NatWest Corporate processed my request for my 3 most recent statements, then waited a week, in which my new statement came out, before sending them to me.

Well, no, probably a computer at NatWest Corporate automatically spat out my statements the moment they were requested, which then joined the "to be addressed and mailed" stack, which had to be done by hand by one work-experience kid who had no idea what he was getting himself into. Either way, it took over a week, and in so doing screwed me up rotten.

So. Return to today. The case worker tells me I can get a printout of my transactions for that week and have it stamped and signed for by a bank employee, and I can mail it to him. He gives me 5 working days to achieve this, otherwise he'll have to send my application off to the next stage as-is, and it may be rejected.

I go online and look up the phone number for my nearest branch--Lewisham. I call it and the phone is answered by Ricky who's happy to help. I explain that I understand that statement requests take at least a week and up to two to be processed, and I don't have that kind of time, so is it possible to get a print-out stamped and authorized by a bank employee? He says he can't handle that over the phone. I say I know, I'll be over there in ten minutes if it is possible, but please let me know if it can be done. He says I'm sorry, I can't handle this question on the phone. I say, seriously, I live in Crofton Park. I can be in front of you in ten minutes to handle it in person, please just let me know if it is a service you can provide. After several minutes of this he finally informs me that I haven't actually reached my branch, I've reached a call centre in the Midlands that handles branch inquiries. I ask if I can speak to someone actually at my branch and am told no. I tell him his job is useless and hang up.

As by this point it's nearly 11:30 and I know the lunchtime rush is about to get going at the Lewisham branch I opt to visit the Catford branch. I'm second in line at the inquiries desk and am seen quite quickly, which is a shock. I explain my situation and my request to the staffer, who tells me they don't do that. The only way I can get an official copy of anything is to request a statement that will be posted to my house in 7-10 working days. I tell him this is impossible, my right to live in this country hangs in the balance and I don't have that kind of time. Is there anything that can be done? I need it no later than Monday. He says this sort of thing is not valid and UKBA would not accept it anyway. I assure him that they would, that my caseworker--would you like to speak to him?--told me to ask for precisely this. He says no again, says he'll ask his manager, and stomps out of the room.

He comes back five minutes later, after audibly standing around chatting with other bank employees about their personal lives the entire time, slaps a folder on the table and says "I asked my manager and I am right. We cannot authorize a statement. It is illegal." I assure him that that is in no way true. He says he can print off copies of my statement on normal printer paper and I should submit those. I tell him that won't work, they have to be authorized, but he prints away anyway. He tells me that they can't because the signatures and stamps could be used for fraudulent purposes. I say okay, then can you authorize them and then send them to UKBA on my behalf? He gets even more annoyed and says no, that is completely illegal. I assure him that too is quite legal if I sign a release, and that way I don't get the opportunity to copy anyone's signature or official stamp. He tells me there is nothing that can be done, and it never has been done this way. I take my copies and return to the lobby.

I phone my case worker and tell him what has transpired. He expresses confusion and informs me that he has a dozen applications on his desk right now that are signed stamped printouts from NatWest, and they're perfectly legit. I tell him what I have, he says they might work, as long as there's an e-mail address at the bottom of the printout that someone can contact to confirm their validity. I inform him there is not, and in all honesty they look worthless even to me. He says to send them over and he'll give it a shot, but he may have to ask me to try again.

I ask another employee what the deal is and with barely-suppressed annoyance he explains that as of the first of the year branches have been given a directive to no longer authorize anything in person because of repeated instances of fraud. I ask if there's a central bank, a main bank that I could visit who would help me without needing to mail statements to me. He says nope. I state that my time limit is completely out of my hands and I must have something quickly or I'll be deported. He shrugs. I tell him to fuck himself and burst into tears.

After sweeping gracelessly out of the building I call Boy and explain the situation. He suggests, with impressive calm, that I go from branch to branch to branch for the rest of the day until I find someone who will help me. Try Greenwich. I plough onto a bus, cross town, take a number, and wait patiently while a bank employee cheerfully tries to up-sell a small business owner an account that includes mobile phone insurance and he politely but firmly rejects it. I'm seen soon and, with a level of calm and courtesy I didn't know I still had, explain that I understand my predicament but need an authorized document by Monday.

He smiles and says of course, I can get you an interim statement in 3 business days. What dates do you need it for? That'll be fine. You should have it by Monday. The international students at the University of Greenwich need these all the time for the border agency. And that's all requested, like I said, should be at your house by Monday. If you don't mind me asking, why do you need this? If you requested your most current information back in November it should have been fine.

I smile, shrug, say something must have gotten confused in the initial request, and exit the building. I phone my case worker again, and quickly say, "Hi, it's me again. I just wanted to let you know that I went to another branch and they said they'll send me an authorized document by Monday. And they didn't yell at me. I'll send it along as soon as I receive it." He thanks me and Boy arrives, having abandoned all hope of getting any work done with all his worrying about me. We wander around Greenwich Park for a couple hours, wave at the Royal Deer, make fun of the goth ducks, and generally let it go.

So. What have I learned. Don't go to the bank in Catford. Don't go to the bank in Lewisham. Take No for an answer then go somewhere else where you'll get a yes, or at least an "I'll help you." Bankers would rather see a customer deported than admit they don't know what they're doing. Visit banks near universities if your concern is student-related. Contact your MP if you have a sneaking suspicion your application has been misplaced. Tell your friends that if your application is rejected they can all be in your wedding--this may confuse the entropy gods. And whatever you do, DO NOT JOIN NATWEST.