Reduced Shakespeare

The Reduced Shakespeare Company's show The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) is very, very funny. If you've ever been forced to read ol' Billy in school you should appreciate it. It's under two hours long and the humour runs in a similar vein to most renaissance festival comedy shows, if you've had the pleasure to experience those. though the performers in this show definitly had more classical training, if their swordsmanship was not as finely developed as some i've seen.

I also had the pleasure to see The Mousetrap this weekend--good show, well written, though the actress playing the guest house owner was horrendous. Everyone else was good, particularly the flamboyant homosexual and the disappointed guest. A well-played whodunit, with enough laughs and scary moments that it doesn't drag or become tedious, though it also keeps you on your toes trying to figure out from context who the killer is. Oddly, it's not something the audience can figure out and is instead a startling revelation at the end. I thought Agatha Christie was more of a clue-dropper, but it was a good show regardless.

frickin' art

Maybe its just my cold, heartless, unenlightened interior showing through, but something the world would be better off without is post-modernist art. Drama has some entertainment value, as do music and even dance to an extent, but nothing positive can be said for red, black, and gray paint poorly rolled onto a cheap canvas and named "Exposed Painting Scheveningen Black Cadmium Red Deep" that has been purchased by a gallery and put on display. I'm sorry, but the gallery owner has been played the fool. That "artist" had no talent, expressed no emotion, and has succeeded only in laughing his socks off while pretentious dipshits look at his poorly painted wall covering and exclaim "i really see what the artist feels here" or "so true, so true." So much of what is passed off as "Art" today is simply useless, meaningless crap. If someone does submit something to a gallery that could possibly mean something or that requires skill or at least effort to produce, it'd be hard to find in the sea of bullshit that most people are submitting so they can eat rather than packing up their ego and getting a real job. Though the idiots wandering around babbling "oh yes, i see what the artist is saying here" even though they obviously don't ('cos the artist is actually saying "i have put color on a piece of paper. give me money") are just as bad as "artists" if not worse. They can belittle you for laughing at something poorly drawn (for any longtime reader, we're talking about shit that makes the grossly disproportionate doodles inside Canterbury Cathedral look like da Vinci's) just by saying "you just don't understand. You're not one of the elite who can appreciate True Art." Well honey, if the Elite consists of people like you who choose to delude themselves into thinking they've got some higher universal understanding, i sure as hell don't want to join. All "artistic" means is "functionless." Anyone who shares this belief would do well not to visit London's Tate Modern or the Whitechapel Gallery--it'll only serve to piss you off.

Pallid and Unhealthy

If there's one life-choice i absolutely cannot stand, its veganism. Go ahead and be vegetarian if you want--plenty of people are very happy not eating steak--but you've got to draw the line somewhere to define the difference between being a picky eater and being in denial about having an eating disorder. Being vegan is not healthy. You have to replace all sorts of vital vitamins, fatty acids, proteins, and loads of other things the hard way--with pills and gelatenous tofu-based products--just to stay alive. Just admit it, vegans--YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. I just read through a list of candidates for PETA's "Sexiest Vegetarian Alive" contest and though most of the vegetarians looked somewhat healthy, the vegans literally had to tint their photos so their weird green skin didn't show up. Without taking proper vitamins vegans' hair and teeth fall out, their skin flakes off, their eyes lose lustre, parts of their digestive system break down, they lose muscle tone and flexibility, and they essentially waste away like an anorexic. These are not physically healthy individuals, and as they do this to themselves willingly, we may infer that they are not mentally healthy. If you or someone you love is vegan, I urge you to seek assistance from a dietitian or psychologist to help you realize that you're an omnivore and its okay for you to eat meat. (my mom's best friend is a dietitian, now a major in the Air Force, and she eats and encourages her family to eat meat.)
Recently in the UK several parents have been convicted of child abuse for raising their kids vegan. All of the children in question were malnourished even though they ate the same quantities of filth as their parents. Children especially need calcium and protein and even cholesterol and fat that you're not going to find without some form of meat in their diet. I hope their mothers at least thought to breastfeed. "No! I can't! Breastmilk comes from me and I'm an animal, so i must be being cruel to myself!"
My policy has always been "If a tiger would feel no qualms about eating me, why should I feel bad about eating it?" (except that I've heard tiger meat is pretty tough. But the tiger and I could happily share a cow.)
At the beginning of high school I went through about a year of vegetarianism because i realized that chicken legs look pretty disgusting before they're cooked. Now, though I still think chicken legs are pretty gross, I've realized that I don't have to eat them but can still find a rare filet mignon scrumptious.

frickin' snow

It has been snowing all day today in Canterbury. So far that makes the third snow in three weeks, though when it snowed on Monday it melted the following night. But now its back in full force--somewhere around 4 inches, and town is closed down. Interestingly, there's a spot on campus where you can usually look out and see all of town and the surrounding valley (the cathedral in particular looks neat from this vantage point) and as of today all of it was completely erased from the map. No light, no outline of a building--it was a uniformly gray mass from campus. Looked....odd.

Bill Bailey

3 blind mice go into a bar. but deriving any humour from the fact that they were unaware of their surroudings would be exploitative.

-for the pupose of remembering the joke.

fighting chickens

so i submitted my column on schedule to the Viewpoints editor. he made his mark and sent it to a copy editor, who also made his mark and sent it on to the editor-in-chief, who looked at it and sent it to the online editor, who apparantly lost it. what an efficient system.

it's been snowing for three days straight. its pretty but its getting slushy. i'm running out of dry trousers. may have to go naked. pity.

Cold Heretics

Gamecock article for 2/22/05. I wrote it in about an hour after having to spend two hours hiking around Canterbury to find a cap gun for a monologue (i had to go into literally 8 different shops before i found one that was suitable and reasonably priced) but i actually impressed myself with my writing capacity--to write 600 words off the top of my head in an hour and have it sound okay and fall into a fairly recognizable essay- or article-format maybe doesn't take skills, but it does take a world of patience. Look for it in all its edited glory tomorrow on www.dailygamecock.com .

Its snowing outside, and rather than bundle up and go down to the pub to stay warm I thought I might examine a couple of entities that England, for whatever reason, doesn't have. I've been in Canterbury for about 5 months now and have gotten to know most of the ropes of this area (besides the whole driving thing) so I think I can mention a bit more than the usual “they don't have American accents” and “nobody has SUV's because they don't fit on the narrow roads“ etc.

For instance, most folks here don't have religion. Whether they're atheistic or simply apathetic, church just doesn't come into play much here. Churches are tourist attractions and are usually full of beautiful tombs and relics of old, but the actual number of people who attend services could barely fill a pew. The clout Christianity has in American legal matters is often equated to religious policy in Islamic nations by the English, so they have a hard time judging just who are the fanatics. The new constitution being written for the EU omits religion completely and, aside from irritated comments by a few Catholic groups in Poland, everyone is pretty comfortable with it. If you are religious here no one is going to hassle you, but they may smirk about it behind your back. Secularism is just the only policy that all the different countries and cultures in the EU can agree on. Better to have no religion at all than pick one and fight over which it should be. It also prevents varying religious motivations for criminal actions (like jihads, crusades, and ethnic cleansing) from letting murderers and invaders evade punishment.

Another thing the English don't have is the diet craze. When news of the Atkins Diet came to England most everyone had a good chuckle and went back to their daily lives. They love carbohydrates here. My favourite food on this continent is, hands down, the Pasty (with an “a” sound like “agriculture”, not “Cambridge”) which is a wonderful beef-and-potato stew in a thick, crusty pastry. One goes great with a pint of lager. Pie, also, is not just a dessert food. Mince pie is lovely, along with Cottage, Shepherd's, and varying Potato pies--all of them full of fat and calories. The English generally don't count carbs, you can feel comfortable eating a candy bar in public without fending off remarks about “500 calories in one sitting” and the number of Kent students who use the gym fails to justify its existence. But most people here aren't obese, though a good percentage of girls are pleasantly pneumatic. It's a good look, to have curves. Most young people here don't have cars so they walk a lot, so by their very lifestyles they stay healthy.

Unfortunately, a third thing they don't have here is sunlight. I've never been so pasty (with an “a” sound like “pain” not “amicable”) as I am since I moved over here. It doesn't help that it's chilly most of the time so you have to wrap up in coats and scarves. Interestingly, because it is chilly most of the time, the coat and scarf have become leading fashion accessories here, unlike South Carolina's winter-wear look of “I had to dig for this in the back of the closet for our one cold day of the year.”

So I guess the English are a bunch of cold heretics, but at least they're fat, happy, cold heretics. Personally, I find them to be excellent hosts, and I almost, but not quite, fit in seamlessly.

Ugh, Children

Last night I witnessed a brawl from my bedroom window. While there was nothing particularly interesting about the fighting itself, I must say I was alarmed and disappointed as to how it was handled. Besides being allowed to run on far too long at far too late an hour--i'm sorry, but ridiculous noise in a small housing court is unacceptable under any non-emergency circumstances at 4 am on a Tuesday--the measures taken by security to end this problem were dangerously insufficient to say the least.

The young man who was at the heart of the fighting, a skinny little rat of a kid who lives next door to me, was dangerous. He drove the heads of several kids into walls, used lighters to threaten and burn folks, kicked at least one male in the groin repeatedly, and continued hitting another chav around the head long after security had arrived and tried to settle things. He even audibly threatened the guards themselves. The kid was obviously angry and irrational, possibly just under the influence of alcohol but chances are on something a bit stronger, and was a threat to anyone within fifty feet of the court. Yet the security guards, after having asked the kids to return to their houses, simply left. They may have taken names but so what?

Kent University policy states that if you have a problem with your neighbors making noise, you should call them up and politely ask them to quiet down one or two times before calling security. You do not call the city police but let security call them if it comes to it. However, had I called next door and asked them politely to hush, chances are one of those nutjobs would have come over, thrown a rock through the window, climbed in, picked up a shard of the busted glass and stabbed me through the throat with it. The security guards did not actually approach the boy who was trying to crack skulls but let the other students try to restrain him. I'm sorry, but that's unacceptable.

A proper handling of someone who is persistently violent (this went on for over two hours, and security had to come over twice) requires calling the real police, having the asshole wrestled to the ground, kicked around a little, handcuffed, and dropped in a squad car to be taken to the station. Once there it is only proper to test the kid for illegal drug use, lock him up overnight, and make his mother come down from London to bail him out in the morning. Within a week the university would have him at least evicted if not expelled, and things would settle down again.

However, it looks like the kid may be getting off scot-free for this infraction. I can hear just about every word said through the walls of my house and at no point did i hear the boy being reprimanded, ticketed, or taken away. I'm sorry, but i think they're being a little too trusting. I don't care what they have to do to him so long as I can feel safe walking to my front door after the sun goes down (i.e. after 5 pm). With my current neighbor, however, i don't. I will be speaking to the reception desk for my housing development and informing them that unless they take measures to improve their security policy, i will be telling USC's study abroad office that I feel threatened. You better believe they'll talk and Kent could lose school participation and a good deal of money.

I don't want to see that happen--I like this school and Canterbury is a beautiful place to study--so I sincerely hope that something is being done about this and I won't encounter this sort of behaviour again.

Gamecock article

This gamecock article started with good intentions but began to wander and ramble near the end. Oh well--i had fun writing it. And since my editor seems to be flatly refusing to put me in print, my internet-published articles can be as lousy as i want, as i know nobody but my mother is going to read them. (Yay mom!) Anyway, I entitled it "Not So Different" but if you look at it on the 10th of February on www.dailygamecock.com, chances are you'll find that the published version is Quite Different from the draft I'm putting here. (They usually are, anyway.)


In going about my life in Canterbury, UK it has gradually dawned on me that, like it or not, there is not a whole lot of difference between Brits and Americans. Sure the English culture is older and has the written history and crumbling buildings to prove it, but the age of the country has little to do with the sophistication of its people. Though we may go about achieving our goals differently, in the end we generally wind up in the same place.
For instance, Brits like to pick fights with me over gun laws. They claim that England is a lot safer than America because they don't have guns. The number of Brits that are shot every year is low even in the seediest parts of London, but what they try to hide is the fact that stabbing crime is as high as ever and spreading to schoolchildren. It's because human beings are going to find means of killing one another no matter what. If they ban knives the number of people who are brained with big sticks will rise proportionally. Its just the government's cruel experiment in natural selection. At least guns level the playing field.
Another embarrassment that America and England share is the trophy wife. As much as Europeans blather on about being progressive, you cannot deny that almost every rugby, football, and even cricket player has some svelte, blonde, brainless piece of arm-jewelry waiting for him when he comes off the pitch. The girls generally have job titles like “aspiring model” or “freelance karaoke singer.” As long as they're happy, I'm not going to nit-pick. It's just that English folk seem to enjoy chastising Americans for objectifying our women. Pot, meet kettle. At least our girls dress like it's 2005, not 1992. The shoes in this country are ugly enough to replace syrup of ipecac for expelling harmful substances from the body.
Seriously, I've got to hand it to SC girls. We value comfort over style on our way to 8:00 lectures. I went to class in my pajamas once here and received scornful looks from every pointy-toed, dolled-up female who crossed my path. I almost pity the ladies here, trying so hard to look nice so that they can be upset when boys don't notice.
One would assume that they would learn before university age how male/female interaction works, but you must be patient with the English. It's not that they mature slower here, just later. Many grade schools here are same-sex and the first time boys and girls come into contact is university. The only reason I can find that they're able to grow up while they're still young enough to start families is a low drinking age.
The University of Kent has 9 bars on campus, run by the school. The drink is cheap and plentiful, the lights are kept low, and the music is loud enough to drown out your inhibitions. I'm pretty sure the function of these watering holes is to bring the students up to speed in social interaction and dating. It's a need-based drinking age. So while American kids spend the better part of a decade fretting over our inadequate bodies and drooling over that cute boy in the third row, Brits are undisturbed by teen angst as they dress in their smart little uniforms and focus on their schoolwork. We take the long road, they take the dull road, but we all wind up in the same place--hung over in some stranger's bed, searching for our underwear.


This column seems short somehow. Maybe i've just gotten used to writing 5,000 word essays full of bullshit and waffles for grades here, but i know i couldn't say all i wanted to and fit in the 600-word limit. Pity--i didn't have the heart to cut anything but i wanted to put in some sort of conclusion. Oh well.

turning evil

Its finally happened. I guessed this day would come someday--i couldn't hold it off forever. I've grown comfortable enough in my surroundings that i have allowed my bitter, cruel, backbiting and generally unpleasant interior to show through. I usually don't notice i've started acting that way until i look around and notice i have no friends. I am no stranger to this passive course of alienation but i really thought i'd grown out of it. I guess it shows that you can take me out of my nasty world but you can't take the nasty out of me. This is not an American thing, nor a woman thing, and it has nothing to do with my company or surroundings. It's just me, and I'm not nice.

culture clash

There are a few things that i can honestly say are strikingly different between the US and the UK, for better or for worse. This is by no means a complete list of differences--or even a complete list of things that i've noticed--but it may act as a springboard for other people to comment on other things they've noticed and ways they've overcome adversity in their lifestyle. by all means, add to the list, contradict it, tell me i'm wrong...go for it.

In the US it is cool that:
DUI is illegal (not saying that it isn't in the UK but nobody really seems to care)
guns are legal
mace/pepper spray is legal
(both comments are in reference to self defense. i do not feel that my safety is a concern here.)
roads are wide
cars are large and can seat several people comfortably
(in the south) the weather is reliably good, but don't try to reason with hurricane season
food is cheap
technology is comparatively inexpensive
fuel is comparatively inexpensive
southern-style biscuits and sweet tea exist and are consumed
education is well-rounded


In the US it is uncool that:
the government encourages us to be terrified of Arabic people
our economy is unstable
religion is politics
the Christians! the Christians!
our government's policy makes us very unpopular with the rest of the globe
popular music comes from a can and is seriously lousy (like canned potato soup after you've had your mom's made-from-scratch kind)
stupid adults are allowed to vote
we invented the "reality show" (i do so detest oxymorons)
there is not enough tea
there are not enough biscuits
it is bereft of pasties

In the UK it is cool that:
we're where the history comes from
you can drink alcohol at the same age that your country can tell you to go die
when you're an adult, you're an adult
they really don't care about marijuana use
the musicians in the tube are talented
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
if there isn't a train between you and where you need to go, it means its within walking distance
the people are generally pneumatic, but not over-fat or over-skinny
lifestyle is generally healthier, except when the air over London is brown
the popular music, besides the American crap (that gets shipped in in 50-gallon drums) is generally fun
there is less plastic food

In the UK it is uncool that:
guns are illegal except in agricultural settings
its illegal to defend yourself from attack unless you kill your assailant and say the weapon was theirs
you have to pay to get into churches (over-secularization means nobody really goes to church anymore, so they can charge you for going in and looking at pretty architecture)
bars close at 11
beer is expensive
the bums make you feel guilty for not giving them free money
the boys are, in general, hideous. ('cept mine)
the driving situations are downright scary, and the drivers themselves are worse
the media is obsessed with hating the US to the extent that all other news is secondary
money is expensive

My Personal Drink

I would like to share with the world a drink which I believe I invented personally. I would appreciate it if no one claimed this drink as their own by merely copying my recipe as I worked hard on it and would like to get credit for it. As it is, Flamingo's Bar and Grill on Carowinds Boulevard, Fort Mill, SC has already encountered--and fallen in love with--this drink, so I think it's time to share it with other people now, too. Share and enjoy.

Jamaican Nutcase
shake over ice, strain into rocks glass.
1.5oz. Frangelico
1.0oz. golden or dark Rum
.75oz. Kahlua
2.0oz. Half and Half

The Hills Are Alive

with the sound of Anti-Nazi sentiment. I just watched The Sound of Music tonight for the first time in probably 10 years and i gotta say, i was amazed at the amount of political and social commentary that i missed the first few go 'rounds. And about a third of the film. My family taped the movie when it came on tv in about 1990 and there were dozens of scenes that the network had apparantly cut for time's sake--scenes that we saw for the first time tonight when it aired on ABC's "Wonderful World of Disney." I finally came to appreciate several characters that previously had been mentioned only fleetingly in what was merely a story about a governess teaching children to sing. I came to appreciate Frau Schmidt (the maid), the Baroness, Max, and just how much Captain von Trapp really hated the Nazis. And so many more of the scenes made sense! there's a Story to the film, an actual interesting, mature, and stable focus to it that has jack squat to do with deer or tea with or without jam and bread. Turns out that missing hour of film contained the entire pertinent plot. (Did you know its a 3-hour film? Originally it had an intermission. the copy i have can't be more than one and a half hours long. I should torch it for being such a blatant bastardization.) It hits on issues of national identity such as culture and history, pre-WWII concepts of finance and family, treatment of religion by the State, heroism, and despair. All the themes that you'll never hope to pick up on when they cut out everything but the songs! I've just been amazed by this film--it always bored me as a child, but now that I've studied european history for at least five years and seen some of the effects of the Blitz and WWII (to England--slightly different story) personally I can honestly say that I have gained a new appreciation for The Sound of Music.

Was it All a Dream?

You wouldn't think that three months of your life could fly by so quickly, or that you could get back into your old habits and mind-set as expediently as I seem to have. But that's life, i guess. I'm fairly certain that that whole semester in the UK never happened, even though i'm acutely aware that i'll be returning in three weeks and my memories of people and places are still fresh. i'm pretty sure i made it all up in my head. But sweet tea and proper (hot, buttery, inch-thick and airy) biscuits tasted so good, and it felt so wonderful to drive a car--those first few hours after returning to the South were worth savoring. Appreciating all those things that you've always taken for granted.
Amsterdam Schipol (sp?) airport is enormous. Literally the size of Charlotte NC. the runways are occasionally bridges over motorways and i felt compelled to wave at passing drivers as we taxied from our landing site to the place where we eventually disembarked--a full 15 minutes of driving a plane on the ground--and even when we got off there was a shuttlebus waiting for us to take us the last 10 minute drive to the airport proper. insane, i tell you.
Based on my experience with one native, i'm fairly certain that everyone from Scandanavia is absolutely nuts. I sat next to a huge, skinheaded, thick-necked wad of muscle named Bjorn on the flight to Newark. he was very nice and chatty as all get out, and into martial arts, Asian culture, and kid movies. He'd been a fighter and dancer in numerous small films and hopes to one day be in Jet Li-esque movies, and he had a terrible time filling out his immigration forms. The lucky duck was spending 11 days in NYC and then going to Jamaica for a month--don't Europeans have JOBS? all folks ever seem to do over there is hang out and drink. there is no work to speak of because nobody cares to climb the corporate ladder or make more money than they can actually use. American schools tell you that controlled economies and job markets impede ambition and enterprising, but after having been in an area where that's exactly the way things are, all i can say is GOOD. Not being ambitious or having insane goals for how big you want your mansion to be keeps people from working all hours of day and night to try and Be somebody in their careers, to define themselves by their careers. The less time you spend working and "bettering" yourself, the more time you have to hang out with your friends and family and drink and be happy. You can't take the money with you, nor the clothes or the pretentious acquaintances, but if you don't waste all your time working to attain some unreachable and ever-expanding financial goal you can at least have fun while you're here. Capitalism can just suck it. I'm an avid supporter of less working, more living.
It is absolutely freezing in SC. I don't know how its possible--i think you go into a different "Tropic Of" between SC and the UK, but England is considerably warmer than Carolina right now. a full 8 degrees celsius warmer. as in above freezing. Rainy and dismal, to be sure, but warmer.
My mother came in and cleaned my room before i got home, and i've already made a mess of the place. There's dirty laundry and travel documents and cds and even a cat strewn all about the room like a...well i would say hurricane but its really not bad at all, so i guess a small, pleasant breeze came through.
This past Sunday i managed to burn my face...with a spoon. Just goes to show that spoons really aren't as safe as everyone thinks they are.

I don't want to go home

Right now I think the most embarrassing thing in my life is my country. Not my family or my background or the fact that i can't expect to make it far in life as a theatre major, but my country, the Grand Ol' US of A. And its not even for the reasons that, typically, Europe brings up for which to hate us. I don't give a rat's ass about the gas issue or our last four war efforts which we've fumbled--no, I care about what I am.

I'm a woman. I'm a girl. I'm a citizen of a country that has chosen to hold that against me. A country in which a man was re-elected because he shared the views of the people, and what the people want is repression. The American people have spoken and they have declared that my Body, that which is Me, is not mine to govern. That if something undesirable occurs to it--such as its becoming a host to a parasitic cell--that it is not my place to remove it on my own terms. That I am under some form of obligation to it, and if it ruins my life, so be it. I'm not the important one here--the cell is.

By law of nature, two people are required in order for this cell to exist. Yet on account of someone losing a bet i'm sure, the cell will only reside in the body of a woman. Thus the woman is landed with full responsibility for it--and if she doesn't want to put up with that well just too bad, she should have thought first before having fun. The male contributor to the production of this cell, conversely, is held to no real obligation to it, and is actually encouraged by society and government to have fun with as many women as he can. As it is most likely that when the woman doesn't want the cell, the man doesn't want the cell--or the woman, for that matter--we encounter the issue at hand.

Politicians elected by the American people want to do away with the right of a woman to choose whether or not to carry this cell. Some of the more vehement of them want all women who opt not to to be tried and executed for murder. Smart. Real smart. Kill a woman for what her body has probably done on numerous occasions without even letting her know.

Yep--its true. Fertilized eggs are rejected by female bodies every day, simply because the Body, not the Mind of the Woman, doesn't want it. Its not a miscarriage, its not a stillborn--its not a baby. Its a fertilized egg that didn't work out. Its not a tragedy, its nothing to get upset over, and it is not, by any stretch of the word, murder. Its nature. If we can understand this as a choice of the body of a woman, what's to say her mind can't make the same choice?

Women of all cultures have been using a wide variety of means to prevent childbirth since there was such a thing as sex. Drugs, herbs, dances, prayers, and unfortunately even pokey objects have all been utilized to make sure that a new life is not brought into the world. If a woman doesn't want to have a baby, chances are she'll do everything in her power and then some to make sure she doesn't.

Outlawing abortion is not going to prevent it or reduce the number of abortions in a year. It will, however, lead to an increase in women who use the at-home coathanger method and the number of women who die on account of it. The fetus will be destroyed either way. Some religious fanatics/politicians would call this justified. I call them a bunch of sadists. Why force a woman to endanger or take her own life for something that HER BODY DOES ON ITS OWN?

- - -

I recently heard on the BBC that a growing number of southern chemists refuse to dispense contraceptives such as the pill for religious reasons, stating that they found this a crime against life (or as one memorable Texan yokel put it on the daily show "i just cant participate in taking the life of an innocent human being.") In that mindset, every time I menstruate naturally--or worse, don't get laid--i'm killing a baby. By Not being pregnant, I am killing those precious demi-cells in my ovaries as they slip unfertilized from my body every month and, according to desired anti-abortionist politics, I should be executed.

Does Anyone Else notice a trend in American politics that favor exclusively CHRISTIAN MALES? Everyone else's rights are forfeit to their self-inflating agenda. Men have full license to do what they will to their own bodies, but they don't want us to. I'm personally offended, as every woman should be. If the Christians take away our rights to our BODIES, they're taking away our rights to EVERYTHING. Women's lib will be a fond memory, but can be safely ignored just like other temporary uprisings from minority groups. We get the death sentence for removing an unwanted pregnancy? That sounds downright Biblical--you know, that age in which women didn't have rights and the stars were glued to the sky. If women can't be entrusted with the administration of our own bodies, how can we be trusted with the administration of the nation? We shouldn't be allowed to VOTE. Hell, if we might choose to fix a problem in a way that someone doesn't agree with, how might we fix problems in the workplace? We shouldn't be allowed to have JOBS. Similar arguments can be made for education, licensing, and the right to wear pants or show our faces in public.

Feminism is dead if we choose not to stand up for ourselves against this. This is not about the right of DNA to become life--it is about repression of women. Don't let anyone convince you to stand for it, for you are standing against yourself.

Quotation Book

I've decided to occupy this webspace with a typed version of my quotation book. This is my second one. I filled all the pages of the first and, due to its sentimental value and relative uselessness to me in a foreign country, I chose to leave it in the States. However, i have this one here now and, on account of moderate insomnia and a lack of any way of productively occupying these early morning hours, I might as well. I do not claim to have full bibliography on any published quotations from famous people, but i've done my best to give nominal credit where I've been able to find it. For the sake of convenience, I have divided the quotations into chronological groups. Man I'm a dork. And fruit or fiction doesn't have a frickin' question mark.

Quotation Book--Junior Year UKC

Of course I think about you, all the time. I think about you every time I open the fridge or pass the table in the living room.
-Tanner Brooks (person I don't know) to Sarah Gustafson (UKC friend, housemate, from Vermont)

Do it. Enjoy it. Don't worry about it.
-Dad

"Well shake it a bit."-me
"Oh trust me, I've been doing plenty of that."-Josh Myers

That's amazing--unless someone has just photographed a mophead--in that case I'd feel cheated.
-Nick (UKC friend, East Malling)

I'd rather scour myself with a rusty SOS pad.
-Sarah Gustafson

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.
-Ben (UKC friend, South London)

You can always trust America to do the right thing--after all other options have been eliminated.
-Winston Churchill

Mary had a little lamb
She grazed it near a pylon
1.000 watts went up its bum
And its wool was changed to nylon.
-relayed by Ben

What's the plural of piss-assed?
-Bal and OtherBen (neighbors)

Waffle House--24 hours of breakfasty goodness.
-me (Britain doesn't have waffle house!)

I tried not being superficial once. It didn't turn out well.
-Sarah Gustafson

You're a stupid whore, I'm a stupid gigolo--I think I might love you.
-Patrick Blake

Quotation Book--Soph. Year USC

"Wings? I don't have wings." "Of course not--you're a boy."
-Jen and Kira from Jim Henson's The Dark Crystal

You say "erbs" and we say "herbs"--because there's a fucking H in it.
-Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

Thank you for flying Church of England--Cake or Death?
-Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

. . .and everybody looked at me like I had just announced that the Queen Mum was a good lay.
-Matt Whalen (close friend)

Only two things are infinite--the universe and man's stupidity. And i'm not sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein

It's not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
-G. H. Hardy

One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't.
-George Bernard Shaw, The Apple Cart. act 1.

My entire life is a freudian slip.
-Josh Myers

This isn't Zelda--you can't just take shit.
-Kate Cullen (uni friend)

Oh, this is so good it Has to be fattening.
-Stewie, Family Guy

I'm a friendly, happy bitch.
-Melissa from Preston

You have just received the Amish computer virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honour system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you.
-sent to me by Justin Moody (uni friend)

Granted, it's disappointing, but nobody should be surprised that the grown-ups change the rules right when we start to like the game.
-me

Hey, I'm always the life of the pity-party.
-Josh Myers

Bifocals--eyewear for the sexually liberated.
-Dad

He's my chia pet--except his hair is falling out instead of growing in.
-Marianne Parrish (uni friend, roommate)

For a while there it felt like I was in the Arctic with a grappling hook made out of molten lava lodged in my throat as Satan himself was pulling on it in an attempt to climb my body.
-Josh Myers (with a temperature of 103)

I'm like a rabbit.
-Anna from Preston

Well, it's a really Little dishwasher...
-overheard at dinner

Pirates of the Caribbean: Unfortunately, this box-office winner clears the way for other theme park-based movies, including Six Flags Log Flume and Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom's Jumpin' Jack Splash.
-MAD magazine (commentary on '04 Oscars)

That feels good? Stop. That tastes good? Spit it out.
-Jillian Odom (uni friend)

...and then you take a wrench and pry this open--its pretty tough--or you can just do it with your bare hands. that works too.
-me, to John (uni friend) at work

"But that just can't work!" "But it's a diagram--it doesn't have to work." "Well maybe I don't believe in diagrams."
-me, Eric Rouse (boss in the shop, rigging teacher)

Quotation Book--Freshman Year USC

Excuse-moi, madame, mais les professeurs de français ne sont permis dans le fleuve.
-me, to Mme. Love, french teacher

Man, I wanna talk that funny talk.
-David Short (sister's ex-boyfriend)

HYATT!!
-Kara Gabaurer (pronounced similarly to "what") HS graduation Disneyworld trip

KNUT!
-another catch phrase from Disneyworld trip, as Knut was the hottest waiter...ever

That's an exit, not an entrance...don't come in there...please get out of the way...thank you for ignoring me...
-me, lifeguarding at Carowinds

Rather than go through the work of making it, I just take all the raw ingredients...and eat them.
-Josh Myers

Carowinds needs to change its motto from 'Creating Funtastic Experiences that Bring You Back' to 'Carowinds...where' there's always a Catch.'
-Josh Myers

I've got...2 chickens to paralyze/ we can...pack a bag of leaves tonight...
-John Boy and Billy (radio personalities)

Bands that are driven by beauty are musicians. Bands that are driven by competition are children.
-me

Who am I kidding? I need more work than an '83 Datsun.
-Josh Myers

I'd be the coolest opossum in the world.
-Josh Myers

That's about as hard for me to see as Josh having kids--i mean an afternoon in the garden and then a quick game of ball followed by a healthy dinner, then off to ride the bike into the sunset.
-Ginny Holloway (high school friend)

It's sad but true--you are a product of white-bread middle-America. 
-Dad

"Larceny?" "Tonight?"
-Puck (uni friend), me

Miz Josch, I know you don't have an alarm clock, now...
-Flaming Dan (uni friend)

"So, why are you taking American history?" "Because you don't have much of it!"
-me, Ed Robinson (UKC exchange student to USC)

Yeah, that's what my mum tells me!
-Ed's response to just about anything

He was lookin' about as happy as a possum with a sweet potato.
-Brandon Barbee (uni friend)

"Hey look Ed--Cumsluts 5!" "Oh, 3 was brilliant."
-Brandon Barbee, Ed Robinson

"I'm writing a paper on the Sophists in Ancient Greece." "Yeah, their first album "Walking Around Barefoot in the Sand" was pretty good, but the critics thought they sold out."
-me, Josh Myers

It is said that it takes 5 minutes to smoke a cigarette and 10 minutes to enjoy one. We suggest that you smoke one.
-Amtrak announcement

I tried to put the top up, but something was wrong with the motor. The generator light had been on, fiery red, ever since I'd driven the thing into Lake Mead on a water test.
-Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. p.196

Why [bathe]? I was going to give you a stinky surprise.
-Josh Myers

That makes me smile in my pants.
-Brandon Barbee

I like Kittens. Meow meow meow. Meatball sandwich.
-Josh Myers

"I love Paris in the springtime." "I hate Jersey in the rain..."
-Tom Aspinwall (uni friend), me

It is generally a good idea to keep a fire extinguisher next to your computer when it runs on coal.
-Josh Myers

You'll have to excuse him--he's northern.
-Erica from University 101

Spontaneous Dance Party!
-Puck, on the Preston front porch

You keep on going on like you're beautiful. You're not beautiful--you're fucking ugly!
-Prof. Nikola Ristic (Philosophy 102)

One step ahead, several feet below.
-me

I'm pretty sure Hell has fluorescent lighting.
-me

It's obvious God has a sense of humour--just look at the Platypus!
-Dogma

Let me tell you--that was like doing laundry. It's not enjoyable, you never think its going to end, but when you're done, you're too tired to enjoy yourself.
-Josh Myers

See me after the show. I want to give you my old flogger.
-scary Rennie (name obliterated from memory)

"You're getting passionate about a moot issue. Leave the passion in the bedroom." "I'm just sayin. . .rreeeoowwww!"
-me, Josh Myers

I do my best...which is mediocre, at best.
-Josh Myers

Dammit. I'm naked. I just put these pants on--i've just been. Socks. Just these socks. I'm naked, I'm drunk, I'm so...Dammit, I'm naked!
-Josch Nasrollahi (uni friend) who was, indeed, naked

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-relayed by Sister

Go, Go, Gadget Furnace!
-Josh Myers

USC Berkeley is home to the single most densely concentrated population of geniuses in the country.
-Aunt Jan

The only thing I need to make you even more embarrassed of me is a yo-yo.
-Josh Myers

"This sounds...broken." -mom
"Yeah--I, er, dropped it. . . 14 times." -me
"Once or twice--that might have been an accident. But 14 times...yeah, I did it on purpose." -Rachel

"Wow, Kristen--this is cool!"-mom
"Did I buy it?"-me

Remember, Ladies--its Procreation, not Recreation. Where did you all get the idea that S-E-X is supposed to be F-U-N? It's time to close your eyes and do your duty.
-L.A.W (Ladies Against Women)

You're nobody until you're Mrs. Somebody.
-L.A.W.

Love creates survivors--I am never broken.
-relayed by Ginni Melton (freshman roommate)

It's a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can.
-Fiona Apple

Single women complain that all the good men are taken while married women complain about their lazy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
-no idea

Sexual in-yo-end, ho!
-Grant Robertson (uni friend)

Quotation Book--Senior Year FMHS

Ahh...America Juice.
-Kate Perrine (high school friend) on Coca-Cola while in France

FREEDOM!!!
-a word I associated with a hilarious painting depicting a naked man prancing around on a cliff in the Louvre--became a catch phrase among group on a trip to France)

Je suis un hot dog.
-Matt Sova (high school friend)

Don't bother going to Paris. Disgusting city.
-me

Un photo, s'il vous plaît?
-most frequently used phrase during France trip.

It became a contest, then, of social graces...
-me

FLUNCH!! (kiddie restaurant in France) spawned phrases Flunch you, Go to Flunch, I feel Flunchy, Have you Flunched yet? etc.
-France trip

I want to just stand in the yard under the sprinkler and point at the sky, shouting "AIR-PANE"
-Adam Miller

I just know that one day after the park closes, the music will turn off, all the streetlamps will torch up, and a voice will come over the intercom and say "You are in Hell..."
-Ross from the rockwall, on employment at Paramount's Carowinds theme park

Something is moving--Run Away!!
-Sarah Miller's (high school friend) cat, Monster. (Actions interpreted by work friend Wes Baker)

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
-Brad Pitt, Fight Club

I have the worst breath of any man or beast--there's no way to fight it.
-Garrison Keillor in sketch "The Lives of the Cowboys," A Prairie Home Companion

Go euthanasia--we've gotta keep humans from being.
-Kara Gabauer (high school friend)/Ko

Let me put it this way--I wear more makeup than my mother.
-Jay Gordon--vocalist, "Orgy"

You know, Hobbes, it's nice to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
-Calvin and Hobbes

How do you spell 'America?' A-M-E-R-I-K-A?
-Dennis Alferink (Carowinds exchange employee from Holland)

It is common courtesy to wear a shirt if you are hairier than an Italian gorilla on Rogaine.
-Kara Gabauer

"According to the chaos theory, your tiny change in this universe can completely shift the destiny of another universe, possibly killing every inhabitant." "Shift happens." "Fire it up!"
-Dogbert and Dilbert

You rock my party hardcore, or 135 degrees.
-Debby Flores (close friend)

If your backpack was a kangaroo, this would be its joey.
-Jason Ford (AP English teacher) on dictionaries

C'mon guys, you're sittin' there like bumps on a pickle.
-Mrs. Spittle (public speaking teacher)

Stop bitching--start a revolution.
-bumper sticker

Hooking up computers is a lot like having unprotected sex--what kinds of viruses does the other harbor?
-me

Sleep more--type less.
-me

. . . And sometimes the President of the US goes to the UN security council and says "This is how it will be." and China abstains.
-Ko

Fellowship of Christian Athletes--you don't have to be a Christian or an athlete. . . its the Everybody Club!
-Erin Doran (high school friend)

If the USA doesn't want to lead, who will--and how?
-who knows

Y'know, people look at what you're wearing before they see what your personality is; they look at who you're standing with instead of what you're standing for.
-Katie Hillagher (classmate)

That's like going to the video store and shopping for milk.
-Debby Flores

...and in 1972 the island of Kosankeland. . .
-Chris Garrick (Model UN classmate)

Beware of flying Chinese people with subtitles.
-Tracey Johnson (classmate) on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? --Pokémon.
-Tommy Ray (neighbor)

You're about to get struck down, like an operative clause.
-Ashley McFarland (classmate)

We came; we tried; we failed.
-Scott Carley on Swedish military forces (Model UN classmate)

There's usually this huge disparity between the number of thinks we would like to learn compared to the amount of stuff we already know. There's a lot of stuff like that--like the pyramid thing with the creepy eyeball on the back of a dollar bill. I mean, what the hell is that? I honestly don't have any idea. But the thing is, I don't think anyone else knows for sure either. The thing is just weird as hell. I mean, why an eye? Why a pyramid? Think about it. When you turn over a dollar bill you'd never expect to see a glowing ear hovering over the Parthaenon, so why's the eyeball above the pyramid acceptable?
-Josh Myers

. . .and I don't know why I'm telling you this, but...
-Ko

What is a 'happy' word? 'Bunny' is a happy word. 'Rabbit' is not a happy word.
-Jason Ford

Ahh, South Carolina. Too small to be a country, too large to be an insane asylum.
-relayed by Ko

Would the delegate from the USA like a cookie?
-Jonathan Malphrus (Model UN classmate) representing the PLO

Kosanke's Ko-Horts. . .
-me

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
-Napoleon the Pig. George Orwell, Animal Farm

Kids don't spread joy--they spread germs.
-Jennifer Patterson (i have no idea)

Those who would give up essential Liberty to purchase a little temporary Safety deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.
-Benjamin Franklin. 1755.

Go ahead and laugh all you want--I've still got my philosophy.
-Ben Folds 5 (from Nate Welker, high school friend)

"What a coincidence that you said that--my roommate and I were just talking about that yesterday." "Yeah, you think there's really something interesting to talk about--but there's not."
-Rachel and Cousin Josh

What we need is pain-sensitive computers--ones that, when you punch them, know, "I will never do that again."
-Cousin Josh

If idiots could fly this place would be a frickin' airport.
-t-shirt

You know, if you were any more negative I think you would implode.
-Sister

I didn't go snowboarding--I went fallin' down a mountain.
-Cousin Josh

Listen, Zorak--this is how it is.
-Nate Welker

Boredom is the root of all evil.
-Kierkegaard

The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water.
-Earnest Hemingway

"I can't get da gum offa my finguh. . ." "Behold, the quintessence of the AP student!"
-Scott Carley, Jason Ford

Search your feelings--you know him to be gay.
-me (Yoda rip-off)

If you were any closer to the cutting edge, you'd be bleeding.
-Jason Ford

Your immune system keeps you healthy--but it can also kill you.
-Mrs. Davis (Biology 2 teacher)

Isn't that remarkable!
-Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman

Sometimes a lamp-post is just a lamp-post.
-Minkin

If I touch something red-hot, so many messages come through my spinal cord that the message "this is hot" doesn't reach my brain before my spine says "move, stupid." I have to move before my brain can say "ouch."
-Mrs. Davis

Cry me a river, then build a bridge and jump off.
-Kate Liotta (classmate)

You're all schizophrenic, because I'm not real.
-Debby Flores

My car and I go everywhere together.
-me

Tomorrow is 'Hug your friend who has Leprosy' Day.
-Kara Gabauer

The burden borne by the super-flexible is that, to achieve comfort, you have to stretch really, really weird.
-me

All liars smell like chicken.
-Jason Ford

We live for Trivial Pursuit and Treasure Bear!
-12th grade AP English class joke

Jump back, Eminem--here's Fabe!
-Kate Liotta

La Patchanka's the sound for proud souls and lonely hounds.
-Mano Negra, Patchanka album cover

Say that in English.
-Mrs. Davis